I was thinking about how i used to feel four years ago, eight years ago. I was such a baby then it seems. It's so strange to think how grown up i've always felt and to look back and realize the immaturity of all of my actions. I guess that's growing up though.
I never really realized it while it was happening, but I used to be so angry. I was reading some journal entries from the past and they honestly astounded me. I hated everything, everything that happened i placed a blame. I used criticisms so generally. Everything bad shackled me.
I don't think that way in the least anymore. Every time something horrible is happening to me, i try to see through it. Sometimes it's way too cloudy and difficult and messy, but i always know, in the back of my brain, hidden, buried somewhere under all those rapidly firing synapses that I will be found again. Life is full of way too many dualities. Everything only has two options, but really if you think about it it doesn't have to be that way. We can only define things based upon something else, but really those two things are so utterly contingent upon each other for their existance that they are forever unified. I'm sick of thinking in dualities, and i've come to the realization that dualities can't contain me. Things are one, unity. There isn't a good and a bad outcome. There is just an outcome. There isn't self and everything else. Thinking of yourself in context of everything else doesn't work. There's something empty and lacking to that. There isn't life and death. There is just a transitory change. Constituent parts are not destroyed. Things can manifest forever from one small movement.
This thought process works for me. It makes me feel less alone, less like i'm searching for something to complete me because now I know that whatever I need, I already possess. It's hard to find the manifestations of completeness, but sometimes they come when we most need them and least understand them. I think i've been searching for this ultimate thing to complete me for so long that i've let a lot of good things go in my life because I thought there was something "more" out there. Not focusing solely on intimate relationships, but also friendships, jobs, whatever. I guess things don't strengthen without resistance though. And jeez. I have resisted. I have fought, judged, cried, left, criticized and conquered. Ultimately it is the most supple and weak things that overcome the hard and calloused, though. The hard can be broken, the soft is bent.
I also have found that I no longer think of love as something ridiculous and magical that falls out of the sky. It is a complement to your own life and it takes work to sustain. Work and motivation. Constant, consistent. Just like anything else in life. Once you're in it so completely it becomes natural and progressive, but it does take a while to get to this stage. The only thing that really terrifies me about that now is that usually one person really gets to that stage much before another, and what if the other never gets there. To the unconditional. I've been that other before. I never got there. I thought perhaps maybe I had been there and then hardened myself to those feelings thinking that he would never come into it, but i don't think you really ever come out of it anyway. There is no need to be terrified though, because being in it is the best feeling imaginable, and even if my heart gets ripped to shreds eventually, i'd rather feel that than nothing. I can endure that pain for this, but hopefully i'll never have to.
I think I've finally come to realize what commitment really entails. I never really consciously thought about it before. That's what's been missing in my life and in my relationships. I never thought of them as something that i must personally sustain. I always felt them as something separate from myself, which is really a strange way to think of it. I like the way commitment makes me feel and how it's a conscious choice. Bad things will happen, sometimes you want to run, but everything can be overcome by yielding.
a.
